Every few weeks or so, we serve Sweet & Sour Chicken as an entree' in our cafeteria. Each serving also comes with one veggie, or spring, roll. The 700 or so students that we serve would have you believe that these veggie rolls are closely akin to manna. They rave about these hors d'oeurves. They form long lines for this dish, while the normally-popular sandwich and pizza lines stand nearly empty. Every other child begs for one more veggie roll with his or her lunch, just as they begged the last time we served this meal. If these students applied this same effort to their school work, no matter what subject, they would all be honor students.
Once we have served all the students, we gather together all the food that we have left over. If we have leftover veggie rolls, they are all transfered to one pan and brought out into the eating area for students to come and take more, if they wish.
The duty fell on me to take out the pan of extra spring rolls. I felt all eyes on me as I entered the lunchroom, and in that moment I understood how a gazelle must feel when it spots the lioness in the brush. Before I'd even set the pan on the table, I was surrounded by kids. The pan was half empty by the time it was fully resting on the table. It was completely empty by the time I had returned to the kitchen.
Several minutes went by, and as I was sweeping up, I was approached by two girls. Despite the obvious fact that these girls were not related, they had gone to every effort to look exactly alike. Remember, if you can, that Junior High Fashion Rule #1 is this: you must look identical to your best friend. If you don't, then you're lame and none of the boys will like you. Girl 1 pipes up:
"Are there any veggie rolls left?"
Me: "No, sorry, we just gave the last of them away."
(Girl 1 and Girl 2 both pout and huff as if someone just told them Justin Bieber endorses individuality)
Girl 2: "Well, can you like save some for us next time?"
Me: "Oh, sure"
(note: the likelihood of me saving spring rolls for two girls out of the entire student body was nil, but why crush their poor little tweener spirits?)
Girl 1: "What's your name?"
Me: "I'm Bonnie"
Girls 1 & 2 simultaneously: "K thx bye!"
Moments later, the twinner-wannabes approached me again, carrying an elaborately folded sheet of lined paper. After unfolding -- a task 56x more difficult than it should have been -- I found a short note, scrawled in an obnoxiously large and overly flourished hand, addressed to "BoNnIe ThE lUnCh LaDy".
"HI! Plz save us some veggy rolls next time! Wed like 3 each at least. Thx! XOXO Ellie Francom & Amber Mason" (sic, flowery drawings and scribbles omitted)
Oh, my dear girls. While your efforts are recognized, I will not, in fact, "save [you] some veggy rolls next time!" Perhaps if you were to be alert, like your predator-like peers, you would snatch up your extra veggie rolls before they were gone. However, I would like to thank you for the good hearty laugh I enjoyed at your expense. Take care!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Here There Be Dragons
Ordinarily, I consider myself a pleasant person to be around. I've got a sense of humor, I try to be compassionate, and conversations seem to come easily to me. I'd like to hang out with me.
But every 28 days or so, all that changes.
At the risk of being distasteful, I will spare the details of my monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Suffice it to say, that when she's around, I transfom. The fun, cool Bonnie goes into hiding, and another side of me emerges.
I become the Dragon Lady.
As the Dragon Lady, I have no sense of humor. I have zero compassion. I'd just as soon spit on you than have any sort of dialogue with you. I will over-analyze everything that every carbon-based form says or does, and I will over-react to those things that have been said or done. Do not attempt humor; this has been tried before, and resulted in blood and tears. Do not try to reason with me; my logical processing has blown a fuse and is not currently in operation. Do not try to calm me or sympathize with me; these actions show weakness, which only feeds my primal hunting instinct and may end in your demise.
In short - stay away. Far away. As far as you can get. Nepal would be good. Pluto would be better.
And if you value your miserable existance at all, you won't come back without a 12 lb. brick of chocolate.
Bonnie is dead. The Dragon Lady has eaten her. But do not mourn for your friend. In five to seven days, she will be reborn. She will emerge, as a phoenix from the ashes, good as new, if not rather ashamed or embarassed of her previous dragon-esque exploits. Please forgive her for her crimes against you -- remember, without awful Aunt Flo, none of this would have happened in the first place.
But in the meantime, maintain your distance. The Dragon Lady is hungry.
But every 28 days or so, all that changes.
At the risk of being distasteful, I will spare the details of my monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Suffice it to say, that when she's around, I transfom. The fun, cool Bonnie goes into hiding, and another side of me emerges.
I become the Dragon Lady.
As the Dragon Lady, I have no sense of humor. I have zero compassion. I'd just as soon spit on you than have any sort of dialogue with you. I will over-analyze everything that every carbon-based form says or does, and I will over-react to those things that have been said or done. Do not attempt humor; this has been tried before, and resulted in blood and tears. Do not try to reason with me; my logical processing has blown a fuse and is not currently in operation. Do not try to calm me or sympathize with me; these actions show weakness, which only feeds my primal hunting instinct and may end in your demise.
In short - stay away. Far away. As far as you can get. Nepal would be good. Pluto would be better.
And if you value your miserable existance at all, you won't come back without a 12 lb. brick of chocolate.
Bonnie is dead. The Dragon Lady has eaten her. But do not mourn for your friend. In five to seven days, she will be reborn. She will emerge, as a phoenix from the ashes, good as new, if not rather ashamed or embarassed of her previous dragon-esque exploits. Please forgive her for her crimes against you -- remember, without awful Aunt Flo, none of this would have happened in the first place.
But in the meantime, maintain your distance. The Dragon Lady is hungry.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
That'll teach 'em
I work with this woman who has the highest, squeakiest voice you could possibly imagine. She's a fun, wonderful person (she even taught me how to knit!), and she's always been a pleasure to work with. I'd considered her a good friend, up until yesterday.
Yesterday she rose to "hero" status.
Every day, our lunch room is visited by a gaggle of teenybopper girls. There are about six to eight in this group, and they are all obliged to bring a sack lunch. These bimbos take it upon themselves to reenact natural disasters with their foodstuffs all over their table. Goldfish crackers are their preferred ammunition.
There are a total of eight trash cans in the lunch room. Each is located at a nearby and convenient station. They are also equipped with wheels, for those who would rather bring the can to their trash. Each can is ready and willing to be filled with the refuse of junior high boys and girls. In short, there is ample opportunity for one to clean up after his or her self.
But these fair maidens must not stoop to such menial tasks. Their time is much better spent shrieking and giggling, sending unintelligible text messages, fussing over their hair and wardrobe, and discussing who likes who. With all these important obligations, there is simply no time left for the cleanliness of their station.
As you might imagine, this daily phenomena has become a bit of a sensitive subject for us lunch ladies. Unfortunaately, most of us are also rather the easy-going, water-off-a-duck's-back personality type.
Most of us.
Not, however, our dear Squeaky.
Yesterday, Squeaky decided she'd had enough. She rushed out of the kitchen unexpectedly, towel in hand, the rest of us staring after her and wondering where the fire was. What we heard next will be forever cherished. Loud and clear over the din of 400 adolescents, Squeaky's voice at its squeakiest. The dialogue follows; I can only assume the pauses are snide and snotty replies, the likes of which only preteens can construct:
"Excuse me, girls. You need to clean this up."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm talking to you. Get back here."
Pause.
"I didn't ask if it was your mess, I just told you to clean it up. But it IS your mess, because I sat here and watched you make it. Now clean it up."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm quite serious. Do you think your mother works here? I'm not getting paid enough to clean up your crap. Get to it."
Pause.
"Excuse me? Chill out? This is me chilled out. If I wasn't chilling out, I'd be fired by now."
Pause.
"I'll stand here all day if I have to. I'm not the one with classes to get to. Get it done."
Moments later, Squeaky returned to the kitchen. She was welcomed with vigorous applause.
And today: not so much as a crumb was left on the Brat Pack's table. Squeaky deserves a raise.
Yesterday she rose to "hero" status.
Every day, our lunch room is visited by a gaggle of teenybopper girls. There are about six to eight in this group, and they are all obliged to bring a sack lunch. These bimbos take it upon themselves to reenact natural disasters with their foodstuffs all over their table. Goldfish crackers are their preferred ammunition.
There are a total of eight trash cans in the lunch room. Each is located at a nearby and convenient station. They are also equipped with wheels, for those who would rather bring the can to their trash. Each can is ready and willing to be filled with the refuse of junior high boys and girls. In short, there is ample opportunity for one to clean up after his or her self.
But these fair maidens must not stoop to such menial tasks. Their time is much better spent shrieking and giggling, sending unintelligible text messages, fussing over their hair and wardrobe, and discussing who likes who. With all these important obligations, there is simply no time left for the cleanliness of their station.
As you might imagine, this daily phenomena has become a bit of a sensitive subject for us lunch ladies. Unfortunaately, most of us are also rather the easy-going, water-off-a-duck's-back personality type.
Most of us.
Not, however, our dear Squeaky.
Yesterday, Squeaky decided she'd had enough. She rushed out of the kitchen unexpectedly, towel in hand, the rest of us staring after her and wondering where the fire was. What we heard next will be forever cherished. Loud and clear over the din of 400 adolescents, Squeaky's voice at its squeakiest. The dialogue follows; I can only assume the pauses are snide and snotty replies, the likes of which only preteens can construct:
"Excuse me, girls. You need to clean this up."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm talking to you. Get back here."
Pause.
"I didn't ask if it was your mess, I just told you to clean it up. But it IS your mess, because I sat here and watched you make it. Now clean it up."
Pause.
"Yes, I'm quite serious. Do you think your mother works here? I'm not getting paid enough to clean up your crap. Get to it."
Pause.
"Excuse me? Chill out? This is me chilled out. If I wasn't chilling out, I'd be fired by now."
Pause.
"I'll stand here all day if I have to. I'm not the one with classes to get to. Get it done."
Moments later, Squeaky returned to the kitchen. She was welcomed with vigorous applause.
And today: not so much as a crumb was left on the Brat Pack's table. Squeaky deserves a raise.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Ah, Sam...
At last week's den meeting, we talked for a moment about gun safety to our Cub Scouts. When attempting to stress the lethality of firearms, our chattiest Scout raised his hand and said, "Well, guns aren't always bad. One time, I shot my sister, and she didn't even die or anything!"
It must be an adventure every day, living in that family.
It must be an adventure every day, living in that family.
An Epiphany
I've determined why I enjoy my job as much as I do. For three hours a day, I cook, clean, and holler at kids -- in other words, I do exactly the same things that I would be doing if I were to stay at home. I just get paid to do them here!
Dream job for the win!
Dream job for the win!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Like pulling teeth
Wicked Stepmother Confession:
Today, I forced The Boy to do something against his will. He approached me earlier, asking to play the Xbox. A quick glance out the window on my part led to my cruel and inhumane response: "No, bud. Look how beautiful it is outside. Why don't you go ride your bike or play with a friend?"
You'd have thought I'd shoved bamboo shoots under his fingernails. The Boy proceeded to huff, sigh heavily, and heave himself onto the couch. "Ugh. But I just don't have any energy."
If you've ever been nine years old, you understand that this reply was pure and total horse manure. Interrupting another heavy sigh, I whip out the big guns. "You're not staying inside. No Xbox, no movies. Go play outside."
With a look of pure contempt, The Boy turned huffily and trudged up the stairs in a manner reminiscent of the mournful trek of the Swomee Swans and Brown Barbaloots in Dr. Seuss's "The Lorax." A heartbreaking spectacle, let me tell you.
Moments later, I hear hooting and hollering outside. Peering once again out the window, I spy The Boy leaping and cavorting around with the biggest, stupidest smile he could muster plastered across his face.
If I'm not careful, someone's going to call Child Protective Services on me. Hide yo' kids.
Today, I forced The Boy to do something against his will. He approached me earlier, asking to play the Xbox. A quick glance out the window on my part led to my cruel and inhumane response: "No, bud. Look how beautiful it is outside. Why don't you go ride your bike or play with a friend?"
You'd have thought I'd shoved bamboo shoots under his fingernails. The Boy proceeded to huff, sigh heavily, and heave himself onto the couch. "Ugh. But I just don't have any energy."
If you've ever been nine years old, you understand that this reply was pure and total horse manure. Interrupting another heavy sigh, I whip out the big guns. "You're not staying inside. No Xbox, no movies. Go play outside."
With a look of pure contempt, The Boy turned huffily and trudged up the stairs in a manner reminiscent of the mournful trek of the Swomee Swans and Brown Barbaloots in Dr. Seuss's "The Lorax." A heartbreaking spectacle, let me tell you.
Moments later, I hear hooting and hollering outside. Peering once again out the window, I spy The Boy leaping and cavorting around with the biggest, stupidest smile he could muster plastered across his face.
If I'm not careful, someone's going to call Child Protective Services on me. Hide yo' kids.
An introduction, of sorts
Hello all.
My name is Bonnie. I am a step mother to a rowdy 9-yr-old boy, a den leader for a group of Wolf Cub Scouts, and a lunch lady at a junior high. As such, I am privy to many awkward, silly, educational, sometimes sad, but most times absolutely hilarious experiences. This blog is my attempt to share these experiences. Dive right in. But I'll warn you: this could get messy.
My name is Bonnie. I am a step mother to a rowdy 9-yr-old boy, a den leader for a group of Wolf Cub Scouts, and a lunch lady at a junior high. As such, I am privy to many awkward, silly, educational, sometimes sad, but most times absolutely hilarious experiences. This blog is my attempt to share these experiences. Dive right in. But I'll warn you: this could get messy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)